New Delhi. A city with everything and more. Rich in culture, history, diversity, etc. You name it, they got it. The capital of the ever progressing India. And fueling this polluted city, and mind you it’s always in the top 5  most polluted cities in the world, is its lifeline, the Delhi Metro. Covering a massive distance (a total length of 213km and growing), it caters to a ridiculous amount of commuters on the daily. By ridiculous, I mean 26 lakhs. Here it’s in digits: 26,00,000. Yup, that’s all in one day. And it’s only growing. I figure the official average for 2016 will possibly be 30 lakhs, if not more. You’d really feel this if you happen to travel during rush hour.

It’s like a horror movie.Like a Zombie Apocalypse. And not the slow walking zombies, I mean the ones where the Zombies are fast. The only difference being they don’t bite. Thankfully enough. But they do smell, and occasionally reek. They also assault you with their armpits and brain cell killing farts. The worst part is, you can’t move (as you’re surrounded on all sides by these immovable beings, so you just have to live through the pain. Remember, whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. The problem is, a part of your brain is now dead, so you can expect your brain to have a lower functioning capacity. And this is just the Metro life in easy mode.

If you’re a woman. It’s much worse. It’s bad enough that most of the men stare as if they’ve never seen a woman (hell they even stare at men. Well, men of exotic origin). And when push comes to shove, they take their chances and grope away to glory. As tragic as this sounds, this is the harsh reality. It’s not like the Metro isn’t doing anything. They are. They’ve established a woman’s only compartment in every train. And reserved about 4 seats in the other compartments exclusively for women. They’ve also set up special helplines for women. Yet, all this doesn’t deter those serial gropers.

On the other hand, there is the mass rush, where they don’t care about anything. They behave like the brain dead zombies, we’ve all come to love in movies (or be horrified by). This usually happens at the bottleneck stations like Chandini Chowk and Rajiv Chowk, where a maximum number of commuters change trains. Usually, the people who get on trains are expected to wait in two lines at either side of an entry point of a train that has arrived. They’re supposed to wait for the passengers of the said train, so as to avoid any accidents.

After the passengers of the train have exited, the boarders are expected to get on the train in an orderly fashion. But who are we kidding? This is India. Chaos is the word of the land. Lines? LOL. Fuck That. They just crowd around the doorway. Even when they can see that just a single person would like to exit. They don’t give No Fucks. Like ZERO fucks. It’s non-existent. Just like their manners. Usually, it’s war between the people getting on and those getting off.

As the train comes to a halt, we are presented with the two sides on either side of the closed door. If you’re in luck, the sides will have an equal number. That way you’ll have to put in less effort when exiting (always stay at the back of the battalion). And yet it looks like a still from the Lord of the Rings (think of the Riders of Rohan, charging into the forces of Mordor. Oh and btw the people leaving the train are the Riders since they are usually the smaller crowd). This, mind you, is the better situation. It’s worse when it’s just 2-3 of you leaving and the people boarding are like 20. But that’s still better than just being alone. That’s what happened to me. It was a few weeks back and I figured I’d write about it, but I’ve been lazy and well, lazy.

source: Teekhi Mirchi

A typical peak hour scenes at certain Delhi metro junctions

Anyway, as the train entered Central Secretariat (another bottleneck station), I stood by the door waiting to exit. It came to a halt and outside waiting stood the opposing force. They were about 15 strong and I alone. It reminded me of the last battle in the Return of the King when the remainder of the hero forces assemble at the gates of Mordor. And as the door of the train opened, I might as well whispered, “For Frodo”. Yes, just as Aragorn did. Movie feels.

The oncoming wave of meat sacks had no care for this lone ranger, who had but one wish of getting off the train. At first, I stood firm and held my ground. But then their combined strength was beginning to overwhelm me. A step back. It was in that moment that I realised that if I were to survive this onslaught, I would have to call upon the strength of my Himalayan ancestors and push through this barrage of armpits and sweaty mass.

Bracing myself behind my bag, I began my attack. Having superior leg strength due to my mountain genes I managed to pierce their ranks. I was met with immense pressure but the surprise of my attack had left them open. In one final push, I emerged victorious as I sent five of them back into the void and even managed to send one of these demons down on the floor where he deserved.

Having conquered this band of ruthless beasts I stepped over the fallen creature and could already hear fair maidens say my name and the battle of Central Secretariat being shared around campfires. Legend has it that Soden and his bag still roam the Metro System of Delhi, forever in his quest to cleanse this city of the demons that lurk and smell, like REALLY smell bad (and not Michael Jackson Bad). Just bad. After all, he is the hero that Delhi deserves, but not the one it needs.

Okay, I got a little carried away over there. Anyway, life’s boring without drama, and that’s what I’m all about. More interesting that way. But that did happen, though. Not a pleasant experience but I won my battle and there was only that one casualty (you can’t make an omelette without breaking some eggs, or even a poach for that matter). I figure he won’t be rushing to get on board for a while (or maybe he will since they don’t really have a functional brain).

Moral of the Story: Patience pays. Please be responsible and wait for people to get off a public transport before getting on yourself, in an orderly fashion. And do encourage your friends to do the same. If they don’t, then proceed to punch them in the throat and help them to increase their level of intelligence to that of a human being. If they’re still stupid then proceed to end their life. Mercy killing is good. That was a joke. You’ll go to jail for murder. Instead just unfriend their stupid ass for real (not that facebook crap). Make sure they never have babies.

Until next time, Peace!

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